Black. Gold.

I've been around..

So here I am, with nothing to say. I can express no emotion, because I no longer feel, nor do I care to. I love living each day with a clear head and an open mind, walking around in a level-headed tomb, but don't let it get the best of you, because I'm stronger than ever and still disgusted by your empathy of self-reflection and ignorance.

This is me, laughing at you, because you're weak.
Denial will get the best of you. Consume.

It's been some time..

So I haven't updated this in a few days, I've been quite caught up in life. A friend of mine recently passed away from a trauma related incident in which he fell 12ft, striking the back of his head on concrete; he had severe bleeding in his brain and his heart stopped a few days later. He was only 22yrs old. If you believe in prayer, than feel free to drop some on his 19yr old wife, newly turned 4yr old daughter, his 2 brothers and all the family/friends affected by the incident. RIP Alex Rosales.

Besides this recent tragedy, I've been pretty busy in school. I had midterms a week ago. I was scared I really screwed up on my test(s), but ends up I came out on top, yessssss. In other news, I've been in recomp mode for the last month and a half (working out), and now the time has come to start bodybuilding again. I haven't worked out at all this week, and on Monday I start back harder than ever. I am going to smash every plateau from my last 'season.' Other than that, everything has been same old same old. I still encounter people on the daily that remind me of how ignorant, close-minded, and straight up dumb people can be. Do people honestly even use their brains anymore? Free yourself already.

RIP All my fallen friends.

Recognize Player

"What is it like to choke on every word you said.
What is it like to shit on everything you had?
Lowest of the low.
I'll never fucking be like you.
Lowest of the low.
Now sink into your fucking hell.
What is it like to become what you once despised?
What is it like to pile lies on top of lies?
Lowest of the low.
So now you sink into your hell.
All the people you used, it's coming back at you.
All the promises broke, on them you fucking choke."

What me worry?

I could honestly careless (in most instances) what other people think of me; And don't think just because I'm a 'social butterfly' that I'm trying to impress anyone. I am what I am, one crazy kid with a heart that most neglect to see or understand. True, over the past few years my mouth has become a bit out of control, but I am aware of this, as well as some of my actions that have gone a bit over the line and am dealing with it accordingly (I don't know how many times I can say this). Life's a risk carnal, stay true. Accept yourself, recognize your own flaws, and accept others for theirs. When someone gives you advice, understand that it's because they care about you, not because they want to make you feel 'dumb,' 'inferior,' etc. Don't be ignorant, don't be fake.

BE YOURSELF.
Don't let others control who you are, everyone has their own, often times retarded, assumptions and interpretations of who you are, but only YOU know the REAL you. Stay Gold.

Where do I go now.

I hear the train a comin'

It's rolling round the bend
And I ain't seen the sunshine since I don't know when,
I'm stuck in Folsom prison, and time keeps draggin' on
But that train keeps a rollin' on down to San Antone..
When I was just a baby my mama told me. Son,
Always be a good boy, don't ever play with guns.
But I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
When I hear that whistle blowing, I hang my head and cry..

I bet there's rich folks eating in a fancy dining car
They're probably drinkin' coffee and smoking big cigars.
Well I know I had it coming, I know I can't be free
But those people keep a movin'
And that's what tortures me...

Well if they freed me from this prison,
If that railroad train was mine
I bet I'd move it on a little farther down the line
Far from Folsom prison, that's where I want to stay
And I'd let that lonesome whistle blow my blues away.....




I've never felt so alone.

The human condition in twelve fractions..

A note to readers;
The purpose of this blog is meant solely for the release and expression of the thought process within my mind in searching for the explanation of events, feelings and activities which take place on this ever so changing journey we call life. Therefore, the thoughts and feelings expressed are meant to be read with an open mind, and are not posted as any sort of 'verbal' assault, cheap shot, or degradation to anyone; if you know me, than you know that I am not that type of person. Therefore, Many of the ideas brought fourth within this blog should not be taken lightly; don't just look at the surface of the idea, look deeper into what's being said, with a completely unbiased approach. Thus, assumptions will lead you astray. If you have been offended by anything I've said, re-read it from a different approach, nothing I have posted has been written in order to harm anyone. Look deeper into the context of what is being said; simply put, open your mind, leave everything else behind.

When I wake up, the real nightmare begins...

When I am alone, my pain is constant and sharp. Without the support of my friends, I don't know where I'd be. It's hard to keep a clear head with rationality and understanding when emotion decides to manifest itself.

I've never felt so betrayed by an individual in my entire life.
The worst part is, I don't even think she recognizes it herself; it's like someone reflecting themselves/insecurities onto you, blaming you, not wanting to except their own flaws and referring that pain elsewhere. How can you say you understand others when you don't even fully understand yourself? I now can say I have a better understanding of what exactly was going on both sociologically and psychologically speaking within the events that recently unfolded in my life. An open mind and an open heart is key to growth. I just wish people would commit themselves to working harder at being open minded enough to be able to take a step back and examine themselves and others from different perspectives, all deep rooted feelings, emotions, and past experiences aside. How will you ever be able to feel and follow your heart when your mind is closed to begin with; how do you feel, when your mind is holding you back. Perhaps the apple doesn't fall far from the tree? Let's hope so, because my dad is a happily married pastoral counselor and doctor of theology, hah.

In conclusion, Today's Word is...

de⋅ni⋅al [di-nahy-uhl] –noun
refusal to recognize or acknowledge.


.....'The cogitations of my mind trouble me (Daniel).''

Take a step back, Examine the programming...

So, now that my emotions have settled, I have taken an even further step back and really analyzed things. I am still sorry about what I did, and I do need to change but.. I was led to believe that I caused all this heartache, when really, the cause was my own foolishness in believing the deceitful comments of someone who claimed to feel something that was actually just a figment of their own imagination (or twisted reality, only God knows). When you love someone, you do whatever it takes; you accept them for who they are, and grow together, facing every obstacle and working together to obtain happiness, understanding and a complete and unconditional love. How are you supposed to know when someone is being real or not? I can tell you this much, I fell for it, and although it severely hurt me emotionally, I now have a better understanding of how people can destroy you from the inside out. I should have been more cautious, I should have known better. If someone tells you they love you, and will never leave you no matter what, but then after a single incident, in a matter changing their mind 'overnight' .. .....wait a minute, stop there.. Do you mean, 1 hitch, and everything changed? You better believe it. Wait a minute, you must have cheated on her or something, hooked up with her sister? Maybe you hit her, or called her out or something.. Well here's the brain buster. I did none of the above; so what did I do? I ran my mouth, in front of people I knew, while in a group with her and humiliated her. I didn't know it was hurting her inside, since it was in a completely joking matter and not serious at all, especially since she didn't communicate this to me as it was happening, noooo sir. She didn't even put me in check (not quite yet anyway). I'm not gonna lie, I went overboard and it went on for way to long but, that shouldn't matter right? Especially that once you realize what you've done, that you are so sorry that you'd do whatever it took to show your true feelings for the one you hurt.. right? Especially when someone tells you so much, how they love you, will face everything with you, etc. So what happened? In a matter of 1 day, I was told that I am not ready to be anyone's boyfriend... My way of being put into check was by her going against everything previously said and being completely cutoff, over nothing more than public humiliation that was immature and definately not life threatening or ground breaking.

Waittt a minute, so you're telling me, that a girl told you that she loved you, would never leave you no matter what, couldn't wait to spend the rest of her life with you, etc, but completely changed her mind in one day? You're reading this right journal (or should I say blog). I was told so many emotions, so many things, that I so foolishly believed. And now, I know none of those feelings were real. How? You tell me, how can someone in a day go from saying "I love you" to breaking up with you and completely cutting off communication. My heart was completely destroyed over the past few days.. And I assumed her's was too, until I realized she was already hapily in contact with, joking with and even pursuing some of my friends. Wow, really sounds like her heart was shattered, especially after expressing all those meaningful emotions to me. But who I am to judge.. I was told that I am not ready to be anyone's boyfriend, when in reality, she is not ready to be anyone's girlfriend. True, I have some things I need to work on, but atleast I realized and admitted my wrong doing, and atleast I meant everything I said to her, just as I have to others. If you know me, you know I don't give people the run around, I'm straight up, I hate being lied to, decieved, etc. It makes me sick. Anyway, another lesson learned.

If you're reading this, and trying to get inside my heart, you better knock a little harder, because the callosuing is a little thicker, and a bit wiser than yesterday.

Anyways, end of /rant, I'm over it. Now is the time for my heart to grow cold, because that's where I feel emotionally safe. Plus bodybuilding season starts in 3 weeks, it's time to get pissed.

Learning.

I've learned a lot about myself over the past 2 years, and a significant amount was within this past week definitely. I opened up and talked to a few people that I have and now consider very close friends; I'm not used to opening up to others, but you can only hold so much inside.

I don't know how I strayed so far away from just 'being myself,' but it started when I was young. I lived a very sheltered life and wasn't exposed to the 'real world' until elementary school. Something inside me was automatically attracted to becoming friends with the 'biggest and baddest' kids in school (just as when I was even younger, wanting to be the biggest, toughest kid on the block). But the fact was, I was smaller than most of the others, but was soon associated with the most feared kids in school. Of course, that doesn't come without consequences. I received detention easily over 30 times and was suspended; got into a lot of dumb fights, whatever. I was only a kid. An immature kid.

Before my experiences in the 'public' school system, as I said, I lived a very sheltered life, but still dealt with problems surrounding anger and power. I remember manipulating family members and being destructive to everyone around me. The doctor's said I had "too much testosterone," which produced quite a bit of aggression related problems and faced me with various ways of 'anger' therapy and management. As a child, I remember severely injuring peers, mostly being my older brother, which I still regret, even though he knows I'm sorry and we have made amends. The thing that I remember the most about doing these things was what was going through my mind. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I just kept going, I couldn't stop, it was like this mindset of "What have I done, I've gone so far, there's no turning back."

Over the years, my anger and frustration began to dissipate as I matured; but I can still be a bit 'nasty' from time to time, especially saying things in front of others. I don't know if I've always had insecurities, or how they became rooted in me, but I have them, as does everyone else. No one is perfect. It's like, I have become so desensitized to the words that can come out of my mouth, that sometimes I barely ever think before I speak, which as I recently learned, can hurt people a lot more than I think.

Recently I said some things, that not only hurt me, but hurt others around me, especially one person in particular. As I was saying these things, I became more and more uncomfortable, it was like, I was beginning to lose control of my words, just like I would with my actions as a child. In my mind, I knew I was going way over the line and was completely being destructive and disrespectful, but deep inside, I had this feeling of "I've gone so far, what do I do, no turning back." It was a feeling I honestly haven't experienced since my childhood. Once it was over, I knew exactly what I had just done, and it made me feel so sick to my stomach, that I could act like I did as a child. My level of immaturity that night will haunt me for the rest of my days, how could I have let that happen, especially coming so far. The feeling of what I did was probably one of the most uncomfortable feelings I have felt in quite some time now. How could I let my level of (dis)respect, maturity and verbal destruction drop so low?

Although I am far from happy from the events that unfolded, I can say that this is probably what was needed in my life. As a teenager, I didn't really learn the consequences of my actions until incarceration. And now, I have finally been able to take a step back and look at the way I have presented myself by the words I have spoken. My consequence? Losing someone I considered to be not only my best friend but someone I looked forward to growing with and spending many intimate years with.

Now I'm left with only myself, taking a step back from the person I created and trying to see the truth and reality I've slowly covered up over the years. I just want to be myself, that's all. Thank God for all the love and support my family and certain close friends have provided me, because if it wasn't for them I would have easily given up long ago. Of course, that still doesn't change the fact that I have fallen further, to perhaps the lowest level I ever thought possible emotionally. Life is pain, but there's always tomorrow.. but who knows what will come, could be more pain, could be more sorrow.

Born to lose, Live to win.

Lost at 22..

If I knew how to fly

I'd fly away

The Pain of Dreaming

When's the last time you woke up with tears in your eyes, from dreaming of a non existent reality, wanting nothing more than to turn back the hands of time to a part of your life when you were so cold that pain couldn't tear you apart from the inside out. I made the mistake of wanting to feel, something long forgotten, only to learn it would destine me to walk around living each day feeling so dead inside that finding any enjoyment in life is nothing but a calloused memory. Forever I will be haunted by the thoughts and dreams of something that should have been, but was torn out from under me. Why did I deserve this, pain and suffering rains down upon me, a never ending sadness. I am left drowning.