Learning.

I've learned a lot about myself over the past 2 years, and a significant amount was within this past week definitely. I opened up and talked to a few people that I have and now consider very close friends; I'm not used to opening up to others, but you can only hold so much inside.

I don't know how I strayed so far away from just 'being myself,' but it started when I was young. I lived a very sheltered life and wasn't exposed to the 'real world' until elementary school. Something inside me was automatically attracted to becoming friends with the 'biggest and baddest' kids in school (just as when I was even younger, wanting to be the biggest, toughest kid on the block). But the fact was, I was smaller than most of the others, but was soon associated with the most feared kids in school. Of course, that doesn't come without consequences. I received detention easily over 30 times and was suspended; got into a lot of dumb fights, whatever. I was only a kid. An immature kid.

Before my experiences in the 'public' school system, as I said, I lived a very sheltered life, but still dealt with problems surrounding anger and power. I remember manipulating family members and being destructive to everyone around me. The doctor's said I had "too much testosterone," which produced quite a bit of aggression related problems and faced me with various ways of 'anger' therapy and management. As a child, I remember severely injuring peers, mostly being my older brother, which I still regret, even though he knows I'm sorry and we have made amends. The thing that I remember the most about doing these things was what was going through my mind. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I just kept going, I couldn't stop, it was like this mindset of "What have I done, I've gone so far, there's no turning back."

Over the years, my anger and frustration began to dissipate as I matured; but I can still be a bit 'nasty' from time to time, especially saying things in front of others. I don't know if I've always had insecurities, or how they became rooted in me, but I have them, as does everyone else. No one is perfect. It's like, I have become so desensitized to the words that can come out of my mouth, that sometimes I barely ever think before I speak, which as I recently learned, can hurt people a lot more than I think.

Recently I said some things, that not only hurt me, but hurt others around me, especially one person in particular. As I was saying these things, I became more and more uncomfortable, it was like, I was beginning to lose control of my words, just like I would with my actions as a child. In my mind, I knew I was going way over the line and was completely being destructive and disrespectful, but deep inside, I had this feeling of "I've gone so far, what do I do, no turning back." It was a feeling I honestly haven't experienced since my childhood. Once it was over, I knew exactly what I had just done, and it made me feel so sick to my stomach, that I could act like I did as a child. My level of immaturity that night will haunt me for the rest of my days, how could I have let that happen, especially coming so far. The feeling of what I did was probably one of the most uncomfortable feelings I have felt in quite some time now. How could I let my level of (dis)respect, maturity and verbal destruction drop so low?

Although I am far from happy from the events that unfolded, I can say that this is probably what was needed in my life. As a teenager, I didn't really learn the consequences of my actions until incarceration. And now, I have finally been able to take a step back and look at the way I have presented myself by the words I have spoken. My consequence? Losing someone I considered to be not only my best friend but someone I looked forward to growing with and spending many intimate years with.

Now I'm left with only myself, taking a step back from the person I created and trying to see the truth and reality I've slowly covered up over the years. I just want to be myself, that's all. Thank God for all the love and support my family and certain close friends have provided me, because if it wasn't for them I would have easily given up long ago. Of course, that still doesn't change the fact that I have fallen further, to perhaps the lowest level I ever thought possible emotionally. Life is pain, but there's always tomorrow.. but who knows what will come, could be more pain, could be more sorrow.

Born to lose, Live to win.