Take a step back, Examine the programming...

So, now that my emotions have settled, I have taken an even further step back and really analyzed things. I am still sorry about what I did, and I do need to change but.. I was led to believe that I caused all this heartache, when really, the cause was my own foolishness in believing the deceitful comments of someone who claimed to feel something that was actually just a figment of their own imagination (or twisted reality, only God knows). When you love someone, you do whatever it takes; you accept them for who they are, and grow together, facing every obstacle and working together to obtain happiness, understanding and a complete and unconditional love. How are you supposed to know when someone is being real or not? I can tell you this much, I fell for it, and although it severely hurt me emotionally, I now have a better understanding of how people can destroy you from the inside out. I should have been more cautious, I should have known better. If someone tells you they love you, and will never leave you no matter what, but then after a single incident, in a matter changing their mind 'overnight' .. .....wait a minute, stop there.. Do you mean, 1 hitch, and everything changed? You better believe it. Wait a minute, you must have cheated on her or something, hooked up with her sister? Maybe you hit her, or called her out or something.. Well here's the brain buster. I did none of the above; so what did I do? I ran my mouth, in front of people I knew, while in a group with her and humiliated her. I didn't know it was hurting her inside, since it was in a completely joking matter and not serious at all, especially since she didn't communicate this to me as it was happening, noooo sir. She didn't even put me in check (not quite yet anyway). I'm not gonna lie, I went overboard and it went on for way to long but, that shouldn't matter right? Especially that once you realize what you've done, that you are so sorry that you'd do whatever it took to show your true feelings for the one you hurt.. right? Especially when someone tells you so much, how they love you, will face everything with you, etc. So what happened? In a matter of 1 day, I was told that I am not ready to be anyone's boyfriend... My way of being put into check was by her going against everything previously said and being completely cutoff, over nothing more than public humiliation that was immature and definately not life threatening or ground breaking.

Waittt a minute, so you're telling me, that a girl told you that she loved you, would never leave you no matter what, couldn't wait to spend the rest of her life with you, etc, but completely changed her mind in one day? You're reading this right journal (or should I say blog). I was told so many emotions, so many things, that I so foolishly believed. And now, I know none of those feelings were real. How? You tell me, how can someone in a day go from saying "I love you" to breaking up with you and completely cutting off communication. My heart was completely destroyed over the past few days.. And I assumed her's was too, until I realized she was already hapily in contact with, joking with and even pursuing some of my friends. Wow, really sounds like her heart was shattered, especially after expressing all those meaningful emotions to me. But who I am to judge.. I was told that I am not ready to be anyone's boyfriend, when in reality, she is not ready to be anyone's girlfriend. True, I have some things I need to work on, but atleast I realized and admitted my wrong doing, and atleast I meant everything I said to her, just as I have to others. If you know me, you know I don't give people the run around, I'm straight up, I hate being lied to, decieved, etc. It makes me sick. Anyway, another lesson learned.

If you're reading this, and trying to get inside my heart, you better knock a little harder, because the callosuing is a little thicker, and a bit wiser than yesterday.

Anyways, end of /rant, I'm over it. Now is the time for my heart to grow cold, because that's where I feel emotionally safe. Plus bodybuilding season starts in 3 weeks, it's time to get pissed.